season of surrender
I came into 2006 expecting a good year, filled with anticipation and expectations of big things. And it has been a good year so far, but totally not in the way that I expected it to be. The "big things," instead of being external, have been mostly internal--God working on some core values of who I am and what I believe. This is always a good thing, but also exhausting and emotionally draining.
If I had to sum it up in one word, it would be surrender. Learning to surrender my will and trust in his. Learning that surrender does not mean defeat, giving up, or "settling," which is what I have inadvertently (and unconsciously) believed. Realizing that surrender means letting go of my desire to control--which does not equal giving into laziness (the perennial perfectionist's fallacy)--but learning to be diligent, faithful, and persevering even when I can't see the endpoint. Learning to walk not by sight, but by faith. Realizing that I need to surrender because too many of my goals and expectations for myself were exactly that: mine and not his. Learning that I need to pray and ask for God's guidance so much more. Learning that surrendering does not mean that I give up on dreams, but give up on the ways and timing of how they will come about.
I feel so humbled by it all. It seems like my paradigm is shifting so much this year; many of the ways that I viewed the world, myself, and other people are undergoing major structural changes. I am thankful, although chastened at times, because I feel that I'm finally growing up, losing a kind of naivete about how life works--in all of its variegated complexity, irreducible to the perhaps too rigid mindset that I had adopted before--but also seeing God so much more, especially his grace. It seems like so many blinders are being slowly removed.
I'm not trying to be cryptic, but it would be hard to give details since it's still in process. Feel free to ask me if you want more particulars. There is still a lot more for me to learn and grow in, but right now all I can say is, God is so good. I am blown away by how good and gracious he is.
If I had to sum it up in one word, it would be surrender. Learning to surrender my will and trust in his. Learning that surrender does not mean defeat, giving up, or "settling," which is what I have inadvertently (and unconsciously) believed. Realizing that surrender means letting go of my desire to control--which does not equal giving into laziness (the perennial perfectionist's fallacy)--but learning to be diligent, faithful, and persevering even when I can't see the endpoint. Learning to walk not by sight, but by faith. Realizing that I need to surrender because too many of my goals and expectations for myself were exactly that: mine and not his. Learning that I need to pray and ask for God's guidance so much more. Learning that surrendering does not mean that I give up on dreams, but give up on the ways and timing of how they will come about.
I feel so humbled by it all. It seems like my paradigm is shifting so much this year; many of the ways that I viewed the world, myself, and other people are undergoing major structural changes. I am thankful, although chastened at times, because I feel that I'm finally growing up, losing a kind of naivete about how life works--in all of its variegated complexity, irreducible to the perhaps too rigid mindset that I had adopted before--but also seeing God so much more, especially his grace. It seems like so many blinders are being slowly removed.
I'm not trying to be cryptic, but it would be hard to give details since it's still in process. Feel free to ask me if you want more particulars. There is still a lot more for me to learn and grow in, but right now all I can say is, God is so good. I am blown away by how good and gracious he is.
posted by mariyaya | 1:30 PM
4 Comments:
Maria, hope things are going well for you. Thanks also for sharing your thoughts. If you ever want to talk, I am only a phone call away!
Aside from all that, I also want to tell you how much I love reading your long blog. In addition to getting news from you, I love how you carefully choose your vocabularies to describe how you feel.
thanks for sharing! i know this is a great testimony in the works :D
Amen! God is good and gracious :)
thanks, guys, for your encouragement and support...will share more later. :)
Post a Comment
<< Home