mixed feelings
I've been going through sort of an emotional rollercoaster lately, mostly because of my upcoming graduation. I think God has been using this experience to teach and remind me of an important lesson, which is that he cares more about my heart than my performance (1 Samuel 16:7). That has been an extremely hard lesson to learn, especially since I am by nature very performance-oriented and task-driven.
For the past few weeks, I was feeling really discouraged and unhappy about my graduation, mainly because I had set an ambitious plan to accomplish certain goals before that day, and I was realizing that I wouldn't be able to make the deadline. Now, up until this week, I had been struggling with ambivalent feelings about my graduation--on the one hand, I was super excited, since I've been waiting for this for so long; on the other hand, I was really disappointed since it's totally not what I thought it would be. The biggest reason for my disappointment was the fact that I'm still not done with my dissertation, and it just seemed somewhat "false" to celebrate something that hasn't actually happened. It didn't feel like a "real" graduation. That's why I was pushing myself really hard to get more of my dissertation done before the graduation; I wanted to reassure myself that I actually deserved the celebration.
Yet when I realized that I wouldn't be able to finish all that I planned, I grew really sad and sulky. For awhile, I didn't want to go anymore, and even considered briefly calling my friends and family not to come. But God really spoke to me this past week through a conversation with Ruth, where she reminded me that God does not look at me the way that I view myself (which is where the 1 Samuel 16:7 verse came in): God is not evaluating me based on how much I've gotten done or not; he cares the most whether my heart is set upon him. And as I internalized those precious words of truth and grace, I felt my heart and spirit renewed. I realized that the most important thing about my graduation is making sure that my heart is turned towards him, that I do everything to honor him. And that enabled me to view my approaching graduation as a true celebration of what is to come, praising and thanking God for his faithfulness and goodness (which he has already shown and will continue to show) and proclaiming my faith in what he has promised to do in his timing.
These past few days, I've alternated between excitement and tears. After releasing myself from the burden of performance, I finally mustered up the courage to ask my two advisers to attend the ceremony. They both said no, unfortunately, since one of them is still out of town and the other one has family commitments. I cried a bit when I found out--feeling that initial wave of disappointment. I had always imagined that both of them would be there to hood me during the ceremony. This graduation isn't what I thought it would be, but I trust in God's goodness and grace. I'm reminded of the many friends and family who will be there (especially the ones from out of town!), the ones who believe in me and have supported me throughout this long and hard journey.
For the past few weeks, I was feeling really discouraged and unhappy about my graduation, mainly because I had set an ambitious plan to accomplish certain goals before that day, and I was realizing that I wouldn't be able to make the deadline. Now, up until this week, I had been struggling with ambivalent feelings about my graduation--on the one hand, I was super excited, since I've been waiting for this for so long; on the other hand, I was really disappointed since it's totally not what I thought it would be. The biggest reason for my disappointment was the fact that I'm still not done with my dissertation, and it just seemed somewhat "false" to celebrate something that hasn't actually happened. It didn't feel like a "real" graduation. That's why I was pushing myself really hard to get more of my dissertation done before the graduation; I wanted to reassure myself that I actually deserved the celebration.
Yet when I realized that I wouldn't be able to finish all that I planned, I grew really sad and sulky. For awhile, I didn't want to go anymore, and even considered briefly calling my friends and family not to come. But God really spoke to me this past week through a conversation with Ruth, where she reminded me that God does not look at me the way that I view myself (which is where the 1 Samuel 16:7 verse came in): God is not evaluating me based on how much I've gotten done or not; he cares the most whether my heart is set upon him. And as I internalized those precious words of truth and grace, I felt my heart and spirit renewed. I realized that the most important thing about my graduation is making sure that my heart is turned towards him, that I do everything to honor him. And that enabled me to view my approaching graduation as a true celebration of what is to come, praising and thanking God for his faithfulness and goodness (which he has already shown and will continue to show) and proclaiming my faith in what he has promised to do in his timing.
These past few days, I've alternated between excitement and tears. After releasing myself from the burden of performance, I finally mustered up the courage to ask my two advisers to attend the ceremony. They both said no, unfortunately, since one of them is still out of town and the other one has family commitments. I cried a bit when I found out--feeling that initial wave of disappointment. I had always imagined that both of them would be there to hood me during the ceremony. This graduation isn't what I thought it would be, but I trust in God's goodness and grace. I'm reminded of the many friends and family who will be there (especially the ones from out of town!), the ones who believe in me and have supported me throughout this long and hard journey.
posted by mariyaya | 1:14 PM
1 Comments:
I know the emotions can be hard and can be pulling you in different directions. However, it is perfectly normal. Congratulations again that you are nearing the finish line.
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