sharing

I shared a testimony today during service about what God has taught me this past year. I shared about my disappointment in not graduating from my doctorate, which I have also blogged about several times already. I am glad I did it, although I did briefly consider bailing out yesterday when I imagined standing before the entire congregation and being so vulnerable. Yet I knew that God had done so many good things in my life that I wanted to proclaim it. It ended up being a pretty emotional experience, and I was trembling--voice quavering, even got choked up a bit (to my mortification)-- pretty much throughout the entire sharing.

I was surprised by the strong emotions myself. Even though I do believe that I am "over" this trial--in that I have accepted the situation and have found peace from God--it still hurts. The disappointment is still there, just as strong as before. When I think about it (and obviously when I talk about it, as I found out today), it's still painful. What is different, however, is that the feeling of sadness isn't accompanied by despair or hopelessness. Today made me realize that just because I may have surrendered and submitted to God about something in my life, it doesn't mean that it might not still be a sore spot in my heart for a bit longer, and that's okay. I look forward to the day when I can share about this humbling year without a trace of pain inside. I know it will come, because God is just good like that.