milestones
I'm hitting a pretty big milestone tomorrow.
I was feeling somewhat ambivalent about it: on the one hand, I told myself to be thankful for 30 years of life, experiencing God's grace, good health, and so many other things to praise God for (family, friends, marriage, every spiritual and material blessing). On the other hand, the one thing that I have really wanted--hoped and yearned for--by the time I turned 30 is still something to look forward to: my Ph.D. :(
So I've oscillated between being stuck on this one "lack" and chiding myself for having such tunnel vision. Some days I told God, "I'm tired of waiting! Why do I have to keep waiting? I want to be done NOW!" On other days, it's okay; patience and perseverance do not seem so much like drudgery but rather virtues to be cultivated, character to be developed.
In the past few weeks, I've realized why this big birthday has brought so many mixed feelings. It's a big milestone, an opportunity to take a step back and survey where you've been. And I guess there's a part of me--the tunnel vision part--that doesn't feel like I have much to show for my 30 years. Of all the ways in which we mark our adult life (getting a higher degree , starting a job or getting a new job, getting promoted, buying a home, getting married, starting a family), I've only gotten married. :(
And then I realize how petulant this all sounds.
And also how narrow and limiting it is to only measure life by the usual markers of achievement, possessions, and status.
I'm reminded of all the wonderful, immeasurably precious things I've gained from waiting on God the past few years as I've labored and struggled in writing my dissertation: a deeper sense of his love and goodness, a greater awareness of his presence and strength, a growing knowledge of my own weaknesses and limitations, and, most precious of all, learning to have himself--my relationship with him and to him--be my reward, not any accomplishment, whether present or still to come. While these intangible things may not be readily apparent, they are also a way to mark adulthood. So I reflect on them, and am humbled.
To end on a lighter note, one "visible" way I did mark this approaching milestone was to cut my hair! :)
I was feeling somewhat ambivalent about it: on the one hand, I told myself to be thankful for 30 years of life, experiencing God's grace, good health, and so many other things to praise God for (family, friends, marriage, every spiritual and material blessing). On the other hand, the one thing that I have really wanted--hoped and yearned for--by the time I turned 30 is still something to look forward to: my Ph.D. :(
So I've oscillated between being stuck on this one "lack" and chiding myself for having such tunnel vision. Some days I told God, "I'm tired of waiting! Why do I have to keep waiting? I want to be done NOW!" On other days, it's okay; patience and perseverance do not seem so much like drudgery but rather virtues to be cultivated, character to be developed.
In the past few weeks, I've realized why this big birthday has brought so many mixed feelings. It's a big milestone, an opportunity to take a step back and survey where you've been. And I guess there's a part of me--the tunnel vision part--that doesn't feel like I have much to show for my 30 years. Of all the ways in which we mark our adult life (getting a higher degree , starting a job or getting a new job, getting promoted, buying a home, getting married, starting a family), I've only gotten married. :(
And then I realize how petulant this all sounds.
And also how narrow and limiting it is to only measure life by the usual markers of achievement, possessions, and status.
I'm reminded of all the wonderful, immeasurably precious things I've gained from waiting on God the past few years as I've labored and struggled in writing my dissertation: a deeper sense of his love and goodness, a greater awareness of his presence and strength, a growing knowledge of my own weaknesses and limitations, and, most precious of all, learning to have himself--my relationship with him and to him--be my reward, not any accomplishment, whether present or still to come. While these intangible things may not be readily apparent, they are also a way to mark adulthood. So I reflect on them, and am humbled.
To end on a lighter note, one "visible" way I did mark this approaching milestone was to cut my hair! :)
posted by mariyaya | 9:38 AM
2 Comments:
Happy birthday!
Nice hair cut! Happy Birthday!
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