season of flexibility

I have often suffered from the "grass-is-always-greener-on-the-other-side" syndrome in my life. This has been most apparent in how I viewed my status as a student. These would be the things I would often complain about: everyone else is making money and moving along in their life; I'm still stuck in school in what feels like forever; I wish I went to law school; I wish I had a reason not to be in sweats all day; etc etc etc. The list could go on and on. The root issue was, I doubted God's calling for me in graduate study and in the academic profession.

Yet recently God has been working a big change in my heart. Over the past few months (since Nov-Dec), I've been enjoying my graduate studies tremendously. More specifically, I'm finding so much satisfactiong and meaning in the actual work itself: reading, thinking, writing my dissertation. It stimulates me in so many ways, engaging my mind and heart. I love working on my dissertation, I love thinking through these ideas, I love learning new things. I am so thankful to be able to do this. I can only give praise to God, who knew what he was doing when he gave me the opportunity to pursue the ph.d., and is finally [at the end of my graduate career, no less!] allowing me to get a small taste of how suitable this profession may be for my passions and skills.

There has been something else, however, even more precious in this final stage of finishing the dissertation: time with God. For the first time, I am learning to truly appreciate what it means to have so much flexibility in my daily life. It means I can spend as much time as I want with God in the mornings. Sure, I still study and work practically every day, but there is so much freedom in being able to spend, say, two hours in God's word if I need to. My schedule isn't filled with tons of external constraints. I can spend time reading scripture throughout the day, without the distractions of having other people around or a set schedule to abide by.

I regret not seeing this precious gift earlier. I feel like I frittered away so much of the first two years of the dissertation process, wasting so much time, and didn't even spend much of it sowing in God's word. It's okay, because I am thankful of seeing it now--and enjoying it now-- especially as I grow increasingly aware that it's not always going to be like this. I want to make the most of this season of flexibility, and build a firm foundation for my spiritual life so that when the seasons of busyness come, my inner being will be ready to face them.

Praise and thank you, God, for this special time in my life. I pray that I will spend it well.